[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
i wish we could shoplift online
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”