“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”