Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Monday again. I just knew this would happen