A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.