I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”