Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Butt weight. There’s more!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.