bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.