My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
She was REALLY feeling it.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll