date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
can’t bark with your mouth full
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.