I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“i miss shittin on people”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.