pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
🤣😂
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…