A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead