As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Simple
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“A little help here, Danny?”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.