Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly