I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.