Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
This meeting could have been a cake
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
🔦🌙👣
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”