Someone just threatened to call me later
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.