GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”