I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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Me too 😆
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
…..pretty much.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*