You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.