Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Lmfaoooooo
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
This line from Airplane.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
dutch is not a serious language
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity