Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean