If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.