[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
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7:
3:
7:
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7:
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
handsome & gretel
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.