*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit