he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com