I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
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Phones down.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school