I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Swedish for common sense.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”