I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
smh
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison