It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You Might Also Like
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
They’re not wrong
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.