always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
an octopus is just a wet spider
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*