Saint West, the patron of selfies
You Might Also Like
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock