“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My first son he is wonderful
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?