For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.