“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
This is a whole mood;
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.