You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.