Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Don’t tell me what to do
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Don’t we all.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
😆this is so true
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.