[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
#inspiration #foodforthought
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
God has left this place
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed