sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
my dog when i have a friend over
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Perfect.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle