Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Have kids, they said
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.