BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons