Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?