Yoga Matt
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.