I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…