“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?