we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation