I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
watergate? u mean a dam??
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles