I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
You Might Also Like
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.