*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
How dramatic are you?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
😬
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.