My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.